My fellow Americans, my name is Nereida Nazzaro, and I am running for President. Just like you, I am a work in progress. So, if you support me with your contributions (I’ll take anything that you hide under your mattress or that you find behind the couch’s cushions), I promise to do my absolute very best to do my absolute very best (yes, the redundancy is intentional). Together, we have a chance to make history: I will be the first liberal Latina to be President – ¡Qué chévere! Together we will eradicate stereotypes and celebrate diversity, just like we’ve done in the past 7 years of the Obama presidency, right? Speaking of which – it should be ¡Sí podemos! NOT ¡Sí se puede! There’s no room for the passive voice in a vigorous political agenda! The subjunctive is a whole different thing, but I digress. And now this:
Promises I will keep because I don’t need to ask Congress:
Have birth certificate with me at all times.
Brush up on conspiracy theories.
Add Puerto Rican flag to those little flags on official limos.
Start White House Book Club, en inglés y en español.
Call husband just “husband.” That would make him “HOUS”
Wear quiet shoes. Chancletas may upset Secret Service.
Serve Barrilito, pasteles, tembleque, tostones, lechón and alcapurrias at ALL state dinners.
Take staff on parrandas during the holiday season.
Listen to Silvio Rodríguez only with headphones because you elected me as a liberal not as a socialist Latina.
Make Sundays “Downton Abbey Night” at the White House. Dress up and play “Quote the Dowager Countess”, and serve tea and crumpets.
Make Elizabeth Warren my VPBFF. Together we can be NNEW!!!
Promises I will make but may not be able to keep because, well, it’s a whole different ballgame once you get to be President. Yes, my fellow Americans, I have many lofty ideas/ideals but I need to take them to Congress. Consult your Civics teachers on this one. With that in mind –
Promote a bipartisan agenda (see above and insert laugh track).
In the event that all Republicans in Congress are kidnapped by aliens and dropped in a galaxy far, far away: Review and improve the Affordable Care Act.
Promote a sweeping education agenda that includes increased funding at all levels, including public higher education, stopping the proliferation of charter schools, and just about everything Elizabeth Warren has to say on this topic (student loans, etc.).
Yes, I abhor injustice in any form. Yes, I go to bed praying for peace, love and purple unicorns. But, heck, Jimmy Carter keeps watching over elections and mediating peace talks and …?
If I put boots on the ground you will pummel me for sending our soldiers to die chasing terrorists so I will not send them.
What did you say? If I don’t put boots on the ground you will pummel me for turning my back on desperate people? OK, I’ll find other ways to help like, say, drone strikes. These will hit desired targets while reducing casualties, including our own.
What did you say? No drone strikes? The darn things hit their target as well as any innocent people around it. OK, I hear you. Let’s try sanctions. We will stop all trade with and flights to hostile lands.
What did you say? We’re ever so cruel, starving innocent people, cutting them off from the world? OK, let’s try this: DO YOU HAVE A F—–G PLAN THAT WORKS? Please feel free to bombard me with angry letters if it will make you feel better.
My name is Nereida Nazzaro, and I approve this message.
![Lechón](https://nereiditanaz1.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/lechon.png?w=300&h=229)
![Dowager Countess](https://nereiditanaz1.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/dowager-countess.jpg?w=1200)
![Elizabeth Warren](https://nereiditanaz1.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/elizabeth_warren.jpg?w=200&h=300)